Dear Human League…


Professional po-faced grump Derek Philpott recently turned his ire on Jo and demanded he answer a string of charges relating to his time in The Human League.

Turnbull wrote with a heavily-leaned-on pen: “Dear The Human League, I have always been male and have never served drinks on licensed premises. Neither do I believe that we have ever been formally introduced. Are you sure you have the right person?”

He continued: “I am quite confident that the Crown Prosecution Service would agree that my being picked out, shook up and turned around by an anthropoidal guild in the workplace would be in the public interest to pursue.”

Philpott added another series of allegations (too many to understand) and finished: “I look forward to any spokesperson for your biped alliance ‘Coming Back’ when they have a few ‘Seconds’ to spare.”

Enraged to the point of activity, Jo reached for a digital writing implement, realised the batteries were dead, ordered new ones, broke the little attachment while trying to fit them, then scrawled a response on the back of a fag packet. This is what he said.

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